if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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