fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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