Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
