I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
