had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
