he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Randomize
