I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
