I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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