I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
