It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
