She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
