69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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