Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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