can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Quick, to the slutcave!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
