We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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