I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
