Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
