Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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