Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm sobbing to NWA
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
