i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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