it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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