I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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