Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
