News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
