apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
