If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
