We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
