my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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