he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
