I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize