I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
