ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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