i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
