i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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