Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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