I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
