yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
