eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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