I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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