btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
