I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
