Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
