and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
