I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
