My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
