She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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