can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
