i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sorry my hands just texted you
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
