I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
