Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
