Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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