tonight lets celebrate not being married
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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