I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
