Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Randomize
