its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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