no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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