:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he fucked my hip out of place.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
FUCK WHALES
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
