So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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