Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
jump out the window naked night went bad
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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