I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
