I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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