my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
