I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize