My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
